She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
