Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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