I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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