make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
