Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize