My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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