I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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