Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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