you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT