I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
