Cold hands, warm shart.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
a search helicopter?!
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
