he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
