drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
