I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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