We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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