I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
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