my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
