Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
