Welp...herpes.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
