no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
