This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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