It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
