Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
