she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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