Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
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I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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