I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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