last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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