Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
