just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
