I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I got chris browned last night
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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