you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
