Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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