I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
