I have demons in me.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
