the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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