Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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