I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
