I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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