when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
