This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
