nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
