Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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