oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
