she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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