I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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