Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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