I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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