u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
