Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
