I looked at my own cervix.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I AM VODKA MAN
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
