I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
