i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
