Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
