that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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