the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
