we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
