watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
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I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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