i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
