I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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