I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
